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Estimated reading time: 6 minutes
Conflict can be uncomfortable, but harnessed correctly, it can create opportunities to bring teams closer together.
Conflict is part of work – especially in software engineering teams where deadlines loom, stakes are high, and everyone has a different take on the best solution. But here’s the good news: conflict doesn’t have to tear your team apart. Handled well, it can make your team stronger.
And yet, most struggle.
According to research, the top causes of conflict are:
- Burnout and understaffing (27%)
- Poor management practices (27%)
- Mental health challenges (21%)
The same research shows that 32% of people who reported less workplace conflict said better communication was the reason.
To do this, we’ll use the four Cs; connection, clarity, curiosity, and commitment.
Build connections to overcome conflict
Handling conflict like a pro starts before the waters get rocky. Build trust; people work better together when they trust each other – not just as coworkers, but as human beings.
Trust isn’t about remembering someone’s favorite coffee order (though that doesn’t hurt). It’s about showing your teammates you care, so when tough moments hit, they know you’re coming from a good place.
How to strengthen connection:
- Offer help before they ask. “I noticed you’ve got a lot on your plate – what can I take off your hands?”
- Be interested (in them) and interesting (to them) by going deeper. “What’s been your biggest roadblock this week? Here’s what’s been hard for me.”
- Call out the good stuff. “That solution you came up with yesterday? Seriously impressive.”
“Tell me more,” is a powerful phrase to use in building connections. They make people feel heard, keep conversations open, and stop tension from escalating.
For example, imagine an upset coworker confronts you because they think you’ve taken credit for their idea. You don’t see it that way, but instead of getting defensive you say, “It seems like you’re really upset. Can you tell me more about what happened?” You immediately de-escalate the conversation because you’ve helped them feel heard.
Clarity stops confusion from snowballing into conflict
Nothing fuels workplace frustration like unclear expectations. Maybe you thought someone else was handling a task. They thought you were. Now you’re both annoyed. Sound familiar?
Before conflict starts, make sure everyone is on the same page. Because if you don’t set clear expectations upfront, you’re setting yourself up for misunderstandings later.
How to prevent confusion:
- Define success at the start. “What does a ‘win’ look like for this project?”
- Confirm responsibilities. “Just to clarify, I’ll handle the back-end API, and you’ll take care of the front-end logic. Sound good?”
- Recap agreements. “So we’re all clear – testing is due by Friday, and we’ll check in Wednesday to ensure we’re on track.”
Even in a heated debate, you can almost always find something to align on. Start there, and you’ll make the rest of the conversation way smoother. Phrases like, “Let’s start with what we agree on,” can help simmer the tension and redirect the conversation to common ground.
Get curious before you get furious
We’ve all been there. Someone drops the ball, and your brain instantly fills in the blanks: “They don’t care about this project,” or “They’re just lazy.”
Before you jump to conclusions, take a beat to reconsider. Think about the fact that they might be balancing five other deadlines. Alternatively, they may have never got the information they needed to proceed. Jumping to conclusions fuels conflict, so make room to ask questions and open the door to solutions.
If you want to move from frustration to resolution, start by understanding what’s really going on.
How to stay curious:
- Instead of assuming, ask. “Hey, I noticed this didn’t get done – what got in the way?”
- Seek understanding, not blame. “I’d love to hear your take on this. What’s your perspective?”
- Double-check your assumptions. “Just so I’m hearing you right, you’re saying refactoring this will take two extra sprints?”
When you embrace curiosity as a default in conflict, it helps to reduce defensiveness on either side of the fence. Remember; you can’t be furious if you’re curious. Take the time to ask about your colleague’s perspective and you’ll find that solutions come a lot easier when you’re both working from a place of intrigue over scrutiny.
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Demonstrate commitment by holding each other accountable
Imagine you’ve used your powerful phrases and come to an agreement. For example, you’ve both agreed that you’re going to slow down and ask your colleague for input before making a decision. But what if no one follows through? That resolution won’t last long.
Without clear commitments, things slip through the cracks, frustration builds, and then you’re right back where you started.
How to ensure accountability:
- Summarize agreements. “To recap, I’ll update the documentation, and you’ll refactor the code by Friday. That sound right?”
- Call out missing commitments (kindly). “Hey, I noticed this didn’t happen as planned – what adjustments do we need to make?”
- Schedule check-ins. “Let’s touch base next week to make sure everything’s on track.”
If you’ve noticed a pattern whereby a colleague isn’t showing up in a way that a project or task requires, a check-in to see what’s not working could be very valuable.
Seek understanding, not blame
When things go wrong in software engineering – whether it’s a critical bug slipping through testing or a missed deadline – it’s easy to fall into the blame game. Finger-pointing might feel satisfying in the moment, but it rarely leads to a productive solution. Instead, shifting from blame to problem-solving can strengthen your team and prevent future issues.
Imagine your team is debugging a last-minute production issue. The team lead turns to the back-end developer and says, “This is your fault. The API should have handled that edge case.” The developer, feeling attacked, gets defensive: “Well, if QA had written better test cases, we would have caught it earlier.” Meanwhile, QA responds, “The requirements weren’t clear from the start. How were we supposed to anticipate this?” Now, everyone is frustrated, and no one is actually fixing the problem.
A more productive approach is to focus on curiosity rather than blame. Instead of accusing, the team lead could say:
“It looks like this issue slipped through. What do we need to adjust in our process to prevent it next time?” or, “Let’s walk through what happened so we can refine our testing strategy moving forward.”
By framing the conversation around learning and improvement, you remove defensiveness and encourage collaboration.
Putting it all together: Conflict resolution in action
Let’s say your team has launched a new feature, but a critical bug has brought it all tumbling down.
Pause and get your emotions in check. When asked what advice people would give to their former selves when faced with a workplace conflict again, 55% said they would stay calm. From a calmer place, it’s easier to move from a “who’s to blame” focus, to “how can we fix this?”
Here’s how you turn conflict into collaboration using the Four C’s:
During the postmortem with your team after the incident, set the right tone. Start with a powerful phrase to build connection. For example, “I know that was a particularly difficult situation, how can we make sure that it doesn’t happen again?” Then move to clarity to create a shared understanding, “Let’s confirm exactly what processes and work flows need attention.”
Phrases that denote intrigue and curiosity are crucial for several reasons. You might think you understand the situation, but the problem could be more nuanced or complex. Moreover, approaching it with curiosity helps diffuse emotions. “What roadblocks are we facing, and how can we work through them?” “How does this look from your perspective?” “What do you suggest we do next?”
Once you understand the core factors that led to the incident, move to commitment. Ensure you have a shared understanding of what will happen, identifying who will do what, and by when.
London • June 16 & 17, 2025
Speakers Gergely Orosz, Camille Fournier and Lara Hogan confirmed.
Final thoughts
You can’t avoid conflict, but you can choose how you handle it. When you build trust, set clear expectations, ask good questions, and follow through, you turn tension into teamwork.
The next time a disagreement pops up, don’t ignore it or escalate it. Instead, navigate the conversation with confidence and the right mindset.
